Loneliness
by jyscreenplay
Summary: All men are not created equal. Bakugou Katsuki learnt that hard fact when he was four. He considered himself one of the lucky ones. It wasn't until he was fourteen that he realised his luck was running out.
1. Chapter 1

**Loneliness**

Four-year-old Katsuki was convinced he was the best of the best.

A tiny voice at the back of his head warned him it wasn't possible. There'll be someone, a lot of people, in fact, that will eventually surpass him.

He shook it away.

He felt like the king of the world.

Deku.

That annoying quirkless loser who always tagged along behind him.

He couldn't understand why someone so worthless could even come close to making him feel threatened.

Threatened by what? He didn't know. He didn't want to know.

He just felt belittled, vulnerable, weak, when he was around Deku.

So at age five, Katsuki decided that he hated Izuku Midoriya.

On his sixth birthday, Katsuki and the _Bakugou Hero Agency_, Deku included, were running around in the park when Katsuki and Izuku collided with one another.

They both fell hard onto the rocky ground. Bare skin scraping against the rough surface.

Katsuki immediately scrambled back on his feet and glared at Deku while dusting himself off. The skin of his palms and knees felt like they were on fire. He didn't care to look. He didn't want to see the damage.

But Deku burst into tears, he cried and cried and cried. He didn't stop crying when his friends tried to pull him to his feet, he didn't stop crying when a few adults nearby walked over to check if he was okay, he didn't stop crying when Katsuki yelled at him to stop crying and grabbed his hand to lead him back home.

Mitsuki and Inko were chatting about their kids while enjoying tea when a bloody Katsuki and Izuku came tumbling through the door.

Inko comforted Izuku as she asked Mitsuki for disinfectant and bandaids, carefully cleaning up her son's scraped knees.

Katsuki shoved his throbbing hands into his pockets, he turned away from Deku, and stomped off to his own room. He heard Inko call after him, asking whether he was hurt as well. He answered with the slam of a door.

It wasn't until he was in the safety of his own confined space that Katsuki looked at his hands and knees.

It wasn't that bad. Deku was just making a big fuss over nothing.

Still, the painful throb from undried scrapes made Katsuki wince a little.

He kinda wanted a bandaid as well.

Screw that.

Not wanting to touch anything to dirty the exposed wounds, Katsuki just sat on the edge of his bed, with his arms resting on his thighs, palms dangling midair, waiting for Deku and his mum to leave.

When he finally heard the closing of the front door, he went to the bathroom and washed the dried blood down the drain. When he turned off the tap, he turned to see his mum looking at him. She didn't say a word as she sat back down on the sofa, watching TV.

There was a weird feeling in his tiny mind, a weird, weird feeling. A tingle, a throb, kinda like how his hands and knees felt, except the feeling was in his chest.

He didn't know what it was. He didn't want to know.

By age fourteen, Katsuki had had his life mapped out.

He was going to be the number one Hero, definitely.

To do that, he had to get good grades first, to get out of his shitty middle school and into the best high school in Japan, UA.

He also needed to pass the practical exam. He wasn't worried about that. He was born for battle. His quirk is on a whole new level compared to the extras around him.

He was going to be the best, and there was no one who could stop him.

Especially not Deku.

Then it happened.

The sludge villain attack.

Deku.

All Might.

Katsuki felt his lungs burn, screaming for air, revolting slime slithering down his throat.

Hell no, I'm not getting taken down by a lame-ass villain like this.

I've still got to go to UA. This can't be it.

He snapped his eyes open, staring wildly at the crowd looking at him.

They were smiling.

Some teenagers were excitedly giggling with each other, an old lady on the right grinning at him, as if marvelling at the entire thing. A man in the front shouted inaudible words to him, then laughed and waved.

Why are you smiling?

Why?

Katsuki felt his eyes water, whether it was from the slime forcing its way down into his insides or something else, he didn't know.

He didn't want to know.

Eventually, he was rescued.

Damn Deku. No one asked for his help.

His face was plastered over every local news channel and newspaper for the following week.

They called him, "The sludge victim" "Brave Aldera middle-schooler" "Slime hostage".

He hated every single one of those labels that would stick with him well into his UA days.

The sports festival.

He had worked himself to the bone for two whole months before the event, not to mention the effort he had been putting into his quirk for the past ten years.

He trained every day at the crack of dawn and after school hours at ground beta.

Inside the destroyed building where he and Deku first fought.

He had considered it his first loss, apart from the whole slime villain deal. And he swore it would be his last.

He fought with all his might during the tournament.

He defeated opponent after opponent, fair and square. Until Todoroki.

The icy hot bastard.

"There's no point if I can't go higher than Deku!" He had yelled.

He regretted saying those words later on when he thought about it. How pathetic would he have to be to associate himself with a useless scum like Deku?

"Why are you even standing there in the first place if you aren't trying to win?"

Katsuki lost that day. He knew he did.

He was no idiot. He had seen Todoroki's power before, and shuddered slightly at the thought of it. Todoroki's quirks were strong, much stronger than his.

He knew Todoroki was Endeavour's son way before the tournament.

He assumed Endeavour must've trained him well. But not in the way it actually turned out. He heard every word of Icy hot and Deku's conversation.

"Focus on the match, that's all I give a damn about. Your family and your feelings, none of that crap matters."

He thought it would've made a difference.

When he pledged to win before the fight, he was giving himself one last mental boost to face off Todoroki. Icy Hot was his biggest opponent.

Katsuki wasn't sure if he could defeat him. But he had to try. Use the tournament as a means to finally get rid of his inner doubt of not being able to beat Todoroki. To preserve his pride.

He had worked so hard for this.

"The stronger the quirk, the more imprecise the attack."

So hard.

"What, am I not good enough for your flames?"

This is what it all comes down to.

"Show everyone you're trying to destroy me!"

Now.

"Howitzer Impact!"

No.

He didn't win.

Clutching that cold piece of metal as he walked home, Katsuki wanted to scream.

Todoroki's face. Deku's face. Todoroki's fire. Deku's broken body. Todoroki's indifference. Deku's condescension.

It was all too much.

Katsuki growled under his breath. Infuriated, he chucked the gold medal in front of him as far as he could. It hit the sidewalk with a dull clang.

Katsuki looked around. People were staring at him, discussing in hushed whispers, and pointing at him when they thought he wasn't looking.

Biting his lip, Katsuki walked forward until he was standing above the medal. It sparkled beautifully in the setting sun.

He had dreamt of holding that medal for months.

Now he just wanted to leave it there to rot.

People continued to walk past him, catching glimpses of his face as they hurried away.

Katsuki felt a lump rise in his throat. There was a squeezing pain in his chest.

He left that feeling and the medal there on that sidewalk.

The summer training camp. The League of Villains. Kamino.

Katsuki saw how his classmates were injured. He saw Deku, the way his arms hung uselessly at his sides as he was carried by Shoji. He saw the terrified expression Deku wore, screaming "Kacchan!" at the top of his lungs, as he was taken away by the throat through that damn black portal.

Katsuki wondered if, at that moment, his expression was the same.

He hoped it wasn't.

Disgusting. Everything about the entire thing disgusted him to the core. There's no other word to describe the way he felt.

Disgusted by the way his classmates risked their own lives for him, to fail nonetheless. He hated the wince on Todoroki's face when one of Moonfish's blades sliced through the ice and hit his shin. He hated how he felt momentary concern for Deku's wellbeing when he saw him in that beaten state. All so fucking disgusting.

Why?

Why'd they all risk that much for him?

Was it even fucking worth it?

Wouldn't they all be better off without him around?

Is fucking altruism the definition of heroism?

Was he wrong this entire time?

Is that why he's being treated as a villain instead?

Or is it because he's weak?

Strapped on a metal chair, feeling the tug of hard leather on his wrists and ankles, Katsuki's body was still but his mind racing a mile a minute. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to feel. Fatigue was creeping up on him, coursing through his muscles and brain, so he let his mind go blank.

The rescue.

The moment Katsuki saw Kirishima's extended hand and shout "come!", he managed to feel the first positive emotion he had felt in the past two days of hell. He felt hope, actual hope as he grasped Kirishima's hand. He couldn't even hide the grin spread across his face.

He hadn't realised he had actually felt hopeless before then. That a small voice at the back of his head told him no one was coming for him, and he was acknowledged by the world as one of the villains.

He felt relieved when they landed on solid ground again. Maybe it was all over.

_Please no more. he still wanted his old life back. Please. Just let things go back to normal. Let him continue on with his life. Let him act like none of it ever happened. Please. Enough._

Then Kamino happened.

Everything that could've gone wrong fucking went wrong.

All Might's smile was gone. His once muscular body replaced by a frail skeleton.

Hushed whispers around him.

Everyone's eyes on the jumbotron, none were on Katsuki.

But he couldn't help but feel like he was in the centre of it all.

No God please no.

It's all his fucking fault.

Kamino happened so fast and ended so suddenly like a dream, more like a nightmare, actually. Katsuki could almost convince himself it was all in his head. That after everything blows over, All Might will still be how he'd always been, standing tall and victorious as the Symbol of Peace.

But he won't.

Because everyone around him was cheering for All Might's win. Everyone but Deku.

Deku was crying.

Something panged painfully in Katsuki's guts. Something told him his façade of normalcy that he was desperately holding up had been completely torn apart in that moment. That nothing will be the same anymore.

Standing in a crowd of hundreds, Katsuki wished he could disappear.

No one asked if he was okay after he was brought away by the police for questioning. Not the police, not his fuming mother, not his teachers.

It's not like they don't care, right?

It's just because he's strong and they know it.

He doesn't need their pity.

He's perfectly fine.

Because Katsuki's still Katsuki. He'll still be the No.1 Hero.

He can still be a hero. Right?

Katsuki wasn't sure if he believed himself. His definition of being a hero seemed cracked, on the verge of completely shattering, and he's holding the pieces together with everything he had as he continued life from day to day.

What is he even, if he can't even be a hero?

_End of part one_


	2. Chapter 2

**Loneliness**

Katsuki Bakugou was dreaming.

Even so, his emotions were piling up, piled up to the point of bursting.

Golden hair gleamed in the light, an ever-so muscular back, and that red cape swaying in the wind.

It's him, All Might. The first person he's ever truly admired, the one true hero he's always chased after. However hopeless the situation, All Might would always defeat the villains with a smile.

All Might was so cool, so invincible.

Katsuki stared at All Might's shadow. The tiniest hint of a blush blooming on his cheeks, eyes gleaming with longing.

Then something sticky, something that reeked of sewage, grabbed Katsuki's face from behind.

Katsuki tried to scream, but his voice came up muffled and slurred like he was underwater.

"All Might-!"

The man turned around, and then smiled.

"Young Bakugou."

"You're strong. You have so much more potential in you, kid."

"No—"

But the sludge crept into his mouth, down his throat, violating his stomach. It slithered into his ears and covered his eyes.

No…

Then the sludge was gone.

Katsuki coughed wetly, spitting black goop out on the ground.

Black goop?

"Glad you could join us, Bakugou."

That voice…

All for One towered in front of Katsuki. Katsuki tried his best to fight the nausea in his stomach and straighten his back to appear less vulnerable, glaring at the masked figure in front of him.

"You do realise all of this is for you, don't you, Bakugou?"

_Shut up._

"We didn't take you by chance."

_Oh shut up already._

"You are an important piece to us. Take him with you, Tomura Shigaraki."

_No fucking way._

It all happened so fast. Shigaraki reached over his cracked and unnerving hand to grab Katsuki, but Katsuki's body wouldn't move.

_Dammit._

Then All Might stepped in front of him.

Katsuki watched in utter horror as All Might stopped. His back facing Katsuki. Then his muscles began crackling away, becoming nothing but dust travelling with the wind.

Katsuki squeezed his eyes shut.

"All Might!"

It can't be.

"All Might!"

Katsuki opened his eyes to meet Deku's.

Deku was crying. Tears streaming down his face in rivulets, dripping down his chin.

Tap, tap, tap—

"…"

Tap, tap, tap—

"Deku—"

Tap, tap, tap—

"I'm sor—"

He woke up.

When he got to class, his eyes couldn't help but wander to Deku. For a brief moment when Deku noticed someone staring at him, their eyes met.

Katsuki tore away his gaze sharply.

He hadn't looked Deku in the eye for so long. He felt so uncomfortable just at the thought of Deku's name that all Katsuki really remembered was the fact that he had hated the freckle-faced loser since childhood. He didn't really remember what Deku's face looked like in detail, he didn't remember much of anything anymore.

But when he looked at him that morning,

Deku looked so happy, as if nothing had changed. And Katsuki was left standing there, watching Deku smiling his dumb happy smile, while he himself sank into a storm of envy, hate, and eventually despair.

Even in dreams, time still passes by.

Slowly, slowly…

After what seemed like an eternity, all the hate dissipated, quietly.

Katsuki stopped looking at Deku with disdain. His expression was still bitter, but softer.

He was starting to accept reality.

"No."

A tiny voice rang inside his head.

"Stop lying to yourself."

When people need to accept something they know is unacceptable, they say it's reality.

The dorms.

Then the provisional licence exams.

All the hero course students chose to move into the dorms. Everyone was moving forward, together, closer than ever.

Katsuki just felt even more distant from all of them.

"Hello. Bakugou residence."

"Hey mom."

"Oh, it's you Katsuki."

"Yeah. You know you can check caller ID before picking up, right?"

"' Course I know. Don't lecture your own mother. Now get to the point."

"…Nothing much. I moved in and unpacked everything already. Just thought I'd call and let you know."

"Okay."

"…"

"Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"…"

"If there isn't I need to get back to—"

"Mom."

"Hmm? Out with it already, since when were you one to be quiet?"

"I… The hero provisional license exam's in two weeks."

"I've heard."

"I'm not…I don't know if…"

"Spit it out."

"I don't think I can be a hero anymore."

Katsuki regretted saying those words as soon as they left his mouth.

"…whatever."

"…Mom?"

He didn't know what answer he was expecting.

"I said suit yourself. You know clear as day that if you drop out of UA, you won't have a lot of options in front of you."

"I know. I didn't say—"

"But I should've seen this coming a long while ago. You're not the first quitter after all. A good handful of UA hero course kids drop out all the time. I guess you're no different."

"Mom I'm not dropping out."

"Just don't come crawling back to me and your dad when you have no diploma and a shitty reputation with all of Japan knowing you as the weak brat that ruined All Might and then chickened out of school."

"…"

"Katsuki?"

"Forget I said anything alright? I'm taking the exam and I guess I called because I had nothing better to do, happy?"

"Don't talk to your mother in that tone, brat! Wait don't you dare hang—"

Katsuki took the exam, did what he was supposed to in silence. He passed. 76, a couple marks higher than Deku. He didn't feel anything about it.

That evening, Katsuki went up to his dorm room, stared at his own face on his hero provisional license, and fell asleep the moment his head hit his pillow.

In his dreams, he cried where no one could hear him.

"Bakugou, a moment in my office."

The last bell of the day had rung, and Aizawa called Katsuki while shuffling mock exams papers he'd just collected from the class.

Katsuki and Aizawa walked through the huge common office in silence. It was half-past five in the afternoon, and most of the teachers had taken their leave.

Aizawa sat down with a grunt as he set the papers down on his desk near last week's exam papers.

"As you know, you will be having work studies starting very soon. Most of your classmates will be joining the pros they've associated with during their previous internships."

Katsuki nodded, but left his face unreadable.

Aizawa sighed,

"But you probably heard that Best Jeanist, the pro you interned with after the sports festival, is still recovering from injuries he suffered during, ahem, Kamino ward, so," Aizawa stole a glance at Katsuki's face, there was nothing but a slight twitch of eyebrows to see,

"Do you have a second option in mind?"

Katsuki remained silent.

Aizawa's eyes followed Katsuki's face, as if asking him to return his gaze. He didn't.

Aizawa didn't press, he simply cleared some space beside his working computer and moved the stack of fresh papers over. He flipped right to Katsuki's.

Katsuki watched as Aizawa circled one correct answer after another, it was all basic knowledge, anyone would put effort into memorizing notes would get it right.

Then Aizawa's raised pen stopped, hovering over the last question on the paper, a short essay.

"You can leave, Bakugou. This will take me a while."

Katsuki did as he was told, but after taking a few steps, he turned around,

"Aizawa-sensei, I—"

Aizawa lowered his pen and looked up at Katsuki,

"Yes?"

_Just say something, dammit._

_Tell him._

_Tell him how you've been feeling._

_He's your teacher, he'll help you._

"About my work study, I'm not—"

_Oh cram it._

_No one's interested in your petty concerns._

_Mom said so herself._

_Pathetic._

"…Nothing. Excuse me."

"Wait, Bakugou."

Katsuki's heart felt strangely lightened.

"If you can't find a suitable pro to work with. I'm available."

_Oh. That's what he thought I was troubled by._

Katsuki nodded, the corners of his lips seemed to raise a little,

"I'll take that offer, EraserHead. Thank you, sensei."

Aizawa nodded, turning his attention back to the papers.

The essay required a write-up regarding Hero Ethics, the line between what's heroic and what's acceptable by the general public.

He skimmed through Katsuki's essay. A sentence at the end caught his attention,

_If providing society with the entirety of what is considered one's worst self would bring about a successful and satisfactory conclusion, then I would gladly forgo any and all of my own definitions of heroism, regardless of society's backlash and the consequences to be suffered by myself as the perpetrator._

When he looked up from the paper, Katsuki was long gone.

_End of part 2_


	3. Chapter 3

_People only see what they want to see._

_Society needs someone to love,_

_And someone to hate._

_Someone has to take the blame._

_And someone has to make things right._

"Another person is going to die for you."

"Is that what you want, ERI?!"

"No…"

_Fuck._

"Don't. Fix everyone back the way they were, and I'll come with you!"

_What the fuck are you doing?_

"That's right. It's easier to be hurt yourself than to have other people get hurt for you, huh."

"No!"

Deku yelled, still immobolised, face twisted in pain,

"Eri, go back to senpai!"

Katsuki gritted his teeth as he started pulling out the debris lodged in his left thigh and palm. Limping towards Eri, Overhaul made no attempt to stop him, he only chuckled and raised his hand again.

"Eri, come now, don't make my hands dirtier than necessary."

Katsuki stepped in front of Eri, blazing red eyes staring straight into Overhaul's.

"You bastard. You fool!"

He felt Eri tremble behind him, he reached behind his right hand partially to reassure her, and partially to reassure himself.

"Eri, go."

"No…please…enough."

_Dammit._

"I don't want anyone else to die, please."

"Eri!" Katsuki found himself screaming out his words,

"No one will die!"

He then thickly swallowed before continuing in a softer tone,

"I know how you're feeling. You're not made for destruction. People who are saving you, they're heroes, they risk their lives because they're heroes. The best thing you can do now is to save yourself and get out of the way. Because saving you is worth all this. If it's anyone's fault, it's Chisaki's. Not yours."

Overhaul's eye twitched at the mention of his name,

"Very well, Eri. If this is your choice then I'll have to—"

"NO YOU FUCKING WON'T!"

Katsuki grabbed a hold of Eri as he narrowly dodged another spike coming towards him, blocking the exit. Holding Eri with his bleeding left hand while navigating with explosions set off his right, Katsuki shouted,

"DEKU!"

Deku stared wide-eyed at the direction of the scream.

"Take her, now!"

Katsuki was rocketing towards the ground where Deku was lying just as Deku managed to react in time and get up on his knees. For a brief moment when Deku was able to touch Eri's sleeve, Katsuki let go of his firm grasp as Deku yanked her towards himself tightly as he and the girl both collapsed onto the ground.

"Take Eri and go! I'll take care of Chisaki!"

Deku didn't hesitate, he immediately kicked through the wall beside him, blood flying from his broken leg as he did so.

"NO!" Overhaul screamed as he sent pillars crashing towards Deku and Eri.

"Get out of the way, you idiot!" Katsuki roared, trying to blast away the pillars as he used a weaker explosion to displace Deku and Eri from the danger.

"Gahhhh—" Katsuki bit off a scream as his left arm wasn't able to get out of the way, now crushed against the wall.

"Kacchan!" came Deku's worried yell.

_God does he ever give it a break._

"Prioritise the rescue nerd! Go!"

Deku gave one last glance at Katsuki's face before he activated full cowl, taking off with Eri held safely in his arms.

Chisaki's infuriated scream rang through Katsuki's ears as more spikes were sent in the direction where Deku was going. Katsuki acted fast. He sent off a powerful explosion with his trapped left arm as dislodged himself. As he was falling, he spun upside down in mid-air, his head facing the ground as he let off his most powerful explosion yet.

The ground shook tremendously as the spikes broke in half, shattering as they hit the foundation.

Katsuki was blasted upwards by the recoil of the explosion, he could see his shattered left arm flapping in the wind, but he could barely feel any pain, only numbness.

_Is this how Deku always felt?_

_Nighteye's prediction._

_"I saw the future, where Midoriya and I are killed, and Overhaul gets away."_

_That kind of future._

_That kind of future…would make so many people sad._

_It'd be devastating._

_Especially for All Might…_

_Because…_

_All Might…_

"Go to hell, CHISAKI!"

Another tremendous blast at the ground.

_But this kind of future._

_If it's this kind of future._

_If it's me instead._

_Perhaps…_

_Perhaps._

"You are the sickness that ruined society!" Overhaul screeched, "You ruined EVERYTHING!"

_Perhaps people wouldn't be so sad then._

One boiling explosion after another, rattling his bones straight into his core. Katsuki could no longer see much out of his eyes, whether it's blood or the smoke, he wasn't sure. He didn't care.

_This is what All Might would rather want, right?_

_This is what society would want, right?_

_I'm doing the right thing._

_Because this is what it means to be a hero._

"HOWEITZER IMPACT!"

The force of the explosion tore violently through everything in its way, shattering rock and bone. It broke open the ceiling and sunlight came crashing through.

Katsuki felt the cool breeze on his face, gently kissing the burns scorched all over his body. His arms caressed by the wind, stretched out at his sides.

He could see the clear sky outside, but the sky was falling away.

It took him a second to realise that he was the one falling.

_All Might…_

_Deku…_

_I know._

The sun was too bright that day.

Katsuki let his eyes close.

He didn't need to see anything anymore.

...

"…Young Bakugou. Bakugou. Please wake up."

"…Kacchan…"

Katsuki blinked. The world around him a blur.

Is that…All Might?

"All…Might…"

"Why…are you here?"

"Oh thank God." Came the relieved reply.

Katsuki was lying on the cement ground outside the Shie Hassaikai. The noon sun still beating on his face. All Might's and Deku's faces hovering above his.

"Kacchan…"

_Great, Deku's crying again._

"Kacchan, please, don't die. Please, you won, Kacchan. You beat Overhaul. You won."

A small grin stretched across Katsuki's lips.

_He won._

"Yes, young Bakugou, you did so well. Just stay awake and help will be here very soon. The medics are at the Hassaikai main entrance now, where all the other heroes are at. They'll be here anytime now." All Might said, his eyes downcast.

"Kacchan, don't sleep!" Deku started yelling again.

"Shh. Listen."

Somewhere a couple of blocks away, the sound of cheering broke through the silence. Fatgum's and Ryuko's teams had achieved total victory.

Katsuki sighed.

Everything was the way it was supposed to be now. So what was this feeling still inside his chest?

It didn't matter.

He could feel the world around him growing colder. But not a freezing kind of cold, it was strangely comfortable, almost enjoyable. His eyelids were getting heavy again, but he kept them half-open, staring at a sky of nothingness.

"Young Bakugou." All Might spoke once more,

"I failed you as a teacher. I'm so sorry."

"There's something you deserve to know."

"Don't say anything, All Might."

Katsuki whispered, his voice quivering slightly as he locked eyes with the man he'd spent his entire life looking up to.

"Don't say anything."

It didn't matter anymore.

He's finally a hero.

_End_


End file.
